Two words I’ve learned to live by since my diagnosis: Just Because. One of the most frustrating elements of the disease is that in many instances, there is no rhyme or reason to why things are happening.
When I mention some fluctuating blood sugar numbers to non-diabetics, their first instinct is to ask “Why?” with a “What did you do wrong?” chaser. I wish I had an answer, but I shrug and say “Just Because.”
Most recently my insulin regiment that I’d come to rely on like gospel went to pot and stopped working. All of a suddent I was going low 5 to 8 times a day. I hadn’t changed a thing – not my lifestyle, not the foods I was eating, not the level of exercise I was getting. I wasn’t pregnant – nor had I lost weight. And, I wasn’t any more stressed than usual. I started to research to figure out the “Why” behind it and all I came up with were the reasons I previously itemized – none of which had changed. The ONLY thing I could think of was that 8 months earlier I’d stopped taking the pill. But why 8 months later would that change my patterns so drastically?
Something ‘internal’ must have changed. I swear there were days when I thought I’d been miraculously cured. I would take my usual insulin as I’d done so often in the past and go low an hour later. Even the nurses at my endo made comments about my low insulin amounts.
It is a little disconcerting to think that you have no control over your blood sugar numbers and that no matter how hard you work at solving the patterns, your internal system has a mind of its own and will always win. Logic does not have a place in diabetes, and for those that live by logic, it can get very overwhelming. So instead, the two words I live by are, Just Because.
On a normal day not long ago, I woke up and tested my numbers: 77. Not bad. I got ready for work and commuted into NYC like I’d done so many times before. I waited to eat until I got to work, another usual ritual. After 2 hours in the office I started to get a weird feeling. It’s hard to explain, but it felt like I’d just run a marathon – my heart started to beat a mile a minute, I started to feel nauseous, and I couldn’t focus on my computer screen. The strange thing is that I didn’t get the usual “high” feeling I’d experienced often in the past. I didn’t even think to check my blood sugar numbers – I actually thought I was having a heart attack. I mentionned my symptoms to a friend and he asked if I’d checked my blood sugar. “D’uh, no, I haven’t.”. I pulled out my meter and pricked my finger.
“450! WHAT! How is that even possible?!”
Had I had 12 pieces of pie that I’d forgotten about? No. Was my pump not delivering insulin? Hmmm… no alarms, looked ok. But maybe??
Uh oh, nausea just turned into the urgent need to throw up… I ran to the bathroom, clearing a path as I went, yelling out that I was not pregnant (don’t want the rumor mill starting). I made it in time to throw up – twice.
What the hell was happening? I search the last 4 hours in my mind to remember if I did something wrong but came up empty.
I programmed my pump to deliver correction insulin – put my head down on my desk and waited 5 minutes before checking my bs numbers again. 396. Ok – so the insulin is being delivered and is working… it’s may not be my pump, but probably a good idea to change the set in case…
I called my husband to see where he was, told him what happened and he mobilized to pick me up. I of course did not have all of my pump paraphenalia with me and decided I needed to go home to rest.
I checked my numbers again. 350. Ok. It’s dropping. I really felt like I’d been hit by a mack truck at this point and still couldn’t believe I had rocketed almost 400 points in 4 hours. Over the course of the next 90 minutes on the way home I kept checking my numbers: 300, 249, 208, 187, 148, 117, 90, 42… Sh*t – now I’m low… Juice!!!
So four hours later I’d returned to normal and took the afternoon off to rest. I couldn’t help but think to myself that having an 800 point swing in 8 hours could not be good for my kidneys – but – I quickly pushed that out of my mind since I really didn’t have any control over it.
Since I’d left the office in such a rush I’d left my co-workers worried. When I told them what had happened their reaction was the same – “Why did that happen?”. I shrugged and answered “Just Because”.
Most of you are probably wondering why I didn’t call my doctor through this experience – I suppose I should have, but, simply put, she couldn’t have helped – she most likely would have told me to correct with insulin and drink lots of water and to call back if the blood sugar does not drop.
I did mention the story to my diabetes educator later that week when I faxed her my weekly blood sugar numbers. Being a diabetic herself she knew the frustrations. Her comment was “I wish I could tell you whty, but it’s just the disease – things happen just because.”
That’s the real deal with diabetes, one sugar cube at a time.
