Wow, 2010. The year I turn 35. 2k10 seemed like it was an eternity away when we were ringing in the new millenium, but now, here we are. I hate new year resolutions but this year, I think I’m going to try a couple, see how long I last with them.
First resolution: Plot my blood sugar numbers and try to find patterns.
I haven’t been paying very close attention to the ups and downs over the last couple of months but I have a new motivator now, fingers crossed, but I think 2010 might be a baby year. So, for the last hour I’ve been laboriously creating graphs with my daily blood sugar readings fromDecember.
Tuesday, December 1: 147, 127, 77, 185, 247
Wednesday, December 2: 103, 60, 164, 171, 179
Thursday, December 3: 148, 207, 182, 101, 32
Friday: 194, 89, 120, 51, 38, 130, 181
Saturday: 47, 70 173, 66, 42, 152, 134, 102, 39, 90
Warning… Sam is showing a kink in her armour here… I am so mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed, and sick of this. SOOOOO sick of it. WHY the f*** are my blood sugar numbers so different on a daily basis? WHY the f*** do I have this disease? I’m strong, I’m able, I know I shouldn’t crack or break down, but really, this sucks. I would love to just eat again. Anything. Just Be Normal. I don’t want to test my blood sugar and figure out the carb count. I just want to have a quick snack, a handful of chips, an apple, a god damn tangerine, just once, without testing my numbers. Sure, diabetes is a manageable disease. But what happens when you get tired of managing it??
Sometimes even the strong people need a break. Sometimes even the happy ones need to be sad. Sometimes, I just want to punch my fist into a wall and scream because I want so desperately to not be diabetic.
Ok, venting helped. I’ll be fine. It was just a momentary lapse in emotion. It’s all good. Being diabetic is fun. I’m good. Really. Family, do not worry about me.
Second, third, fourth and fifth resolutions: Eat only healthy foods, weigh and measure my food, use the exact carb count and keep a food diary.
No more crap shoots on the carb count of the foods I eat. For the last couple of years I’ve eyeballed to figure out the carbs and hoped for the best (which has worked ok). If I’m going to have a baby there is no longer room for errors in my insulin, I gotta play by the rules. I also need to write down what I’m eating and how the insulin reacted with the exact carb count…
Sixth resolution: Ask for help when I need it.
Yeah, not a fan of this one, but I know I can’t always be the hero, and I know I can’t do this alone. So, when and if I need help, I will ask for it. I promise.
Seventh resolution: Be me.
Happy New Year everyone!
Upon further reflection of my frustations with having diabetes, I remembered my neighbor and her daily struggles with Lou Gehrig’s disease. Knowing how badly she and her family are suffering, I realized I don’t have it that bad after all.
That’s the real deal with diabetes, one sugar cube at a time.
